February 22nd, 2010

99CW is Pop-Rock Candy Mountain’s Artist of the Week

99 Cent Whore was interviewed by PopRockCandyMountain.com as their Artist of the week!

You can see the full article here or just read after the jump.
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Artist of the Week: 99 Cent Whore

July 9, 2008

10 Questions With 99 Cent Whore

1: Why don’t we get drunk and screw?

I’m all for it, except for the first half of that sentence. See…. as a 99 cent WHORE (professional sex maker), I pride myself on never drinking on the job. It’s a strict policy I’ve had to enforce with all my employees (me). Also, if we get DRUNK and screw,
I’d have to show up in a church basement somewhere in east LA afterwards and drink shitty coffee and raise my hand and tell a bunch of strangers about it (I’d probably say something like “Why oh why did i do that? 9 years down the terlet! Fuck!!!!”)

Then they’d all nod their heads condescendingly and say “keep coming back.” So let’s skip the get drunk part and just SCREW.
Let’s leave the sloppy blackout sex to the amateurs. And besides… being a professional sex-maker and all, you are gonna wanna
be stone cold sober so you can remember the amazing shit i do. I am THAT good. Then again… if they are selling cheap pitchers
of piss water beer and you’re buyin’? um…

2: How deep is your love?

5.35 inches in depth. .75 inches in diameter. Don’t ask me for metric, cuz that shit is for COMMIE FAGS.

3: Who’s gonna ride your wild horses?

Probably Lorne Michaels. or Clint Eastwood. Or Michael Landon. I’ve seen em all do it on the TEE VEE and they know how to do it. Either one of them or… wait. Fuck that. Maybe one of those pretty ballerina type ladies from the circus who stand on a horse
in a tutu and twirl around while it’s goin’ 50 miles an hour. I bet Clint Eastwood couldn’t do all that bad-ass horse riding he does in a tutu and toe shoes. So EAT it, tough guy. I wanna see u DANCE.

4: Why can’t I be you?

It’s an expensive operation, and would take a lot of therapy, but we should talk.

5: What have you done for me lately?

This fuckin’ questionnaire, that’s what. This list of questions is almost as long as the dumb-ass “e-harmony” bullshit they made me full out just so i could get a bunch of lame messages from 50 year old bald fat men in Ohio wearing Bill Cosby sweaters who think they are ’spontaneous and fun!”

6: Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad?

Cuz if it weren’t, there’d be no Dolly Parton songs.

7: Man, I Feel Like A Woman.

Oh my god me too!!!!

8: She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy. Do you?

You’re “John Deere 9500 combine” is DANGEROUS it’s so sexy. All i can think about is that super-fine chaff-spreader of yours having it’s way with me.

9: Do you think you could take someone to F.I.S.T. City?

I’m not allowed within a 100 mile radius of F.I.S.T. city anymore since…. the incident.

10: Do you have Two Tickets To Paradise? (Has Eddie Money ever been in the store?)

i THOUGHT I did, but the motherfucker didn’t tell me about all the bullshit fine print RULES and disclaimers that he so CONVENIENTLY forgot to write about in the lyrics to his dumb-ass song…. see for yourself. Check out the fucked-up “fine print” verse that the label made him cut out of his catchy pop tune so they wouldn’t get sued: “Passengers who do not obtain a boarding pass and are not present and available for boarding in the departure gate area at least ten minutes prior to scheduled departure time may have their reserved space to PARADISE cancelled and will not be eligible for denied boarding compensation.

FUCK YOU EDDIE!!!!!! And you’re crazy if you think I’m gonna give you extra bottles of Brut cologne and a hand job in the stock room of the 99 cent store again the next time you come in. Which will be… when exactly?

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99 Cent Whore